I am a sexual abuse survivor. And as a survivor, I want to focus my career to help others heal from trauma. I've known from the beginning that I've always wanted to work in this specialty, since my initial work on the rape crisis hotline as a counselor and advocate at Project Sister, which inspired me to go back to grad school.
Three-thousand clinical hours later and a grueling exam, brings me to now, nearing three years as licensed therapist. And I have been reflecting. Is this about helping me? Or is this about helping others?
This concept of the wounded healer is phenomenon first talked about psychologist Carl Jung. This is the idea that the therapist treats clients because the therapist is wounded themselves. Jung discusses that wounding experiences bring therapists to also want to heal others. One study by Allison Bar showed that 73.9% of counselors and therapists choose their career based on their wounding experience.
I have worked with many trauma survivors throughout my career from just a brand new grad student until now - a span of almost 9 years. I have had a long journey working with trauma survivors, and I have found the work immensely tough.
Tough, but also incredibly rewarding.
I have worked with families, women and children survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. I have worked with survivors of human trafficking. I have worked with people who suffered from severe mental illness, complex trauma, PTSD, addiction, and homelessness. I have listened to horrific stories. I have listened to the grief that comes with childhood sexual abuse, and I have listened to the pain and deep shame that comes along with it.
I am present with each of my clients. I listen to what most people cannot, when most people cringe, and sometimes even more painful, dismiss.
I have cried in group supervision from these stories, in front of my peers and supervisors. I have also cried in front of clients. I used to beat myself up over these reactions, but I have learned that they are just normal. Wow! What a concept! I found this difficult to realize as a fresh-out-of-grad-school therapist, because school taught us to be ethical and have good boundaries. Which I agree with, but I feel like it has a been a long journey to allow myself to have feelings.
Somehow along the way, I thought I should not have feelings or reactions. That I must be somehow immune to the stories, the trauma, distress, sadness and the intense overwhelm. Maybe this idea came from how people can sometimes view therapists as super-human with magical powers to "fix" them and that nothing can phase us.
The truth is, however, we are just like you. We have gone through our own traumas. We have had our fair share of issues. We have gone through our own grief and loss.
We are, in some way or another, wounded.
Carl Jung not only discussed the phenomenon of the wounded healer, he was a wounded healer. Jung suffered from depression, psychosis, anxiety, and suicidality. Psychology Today talks about Jung’s story along with other pioneer wounded healers like Marsha Linehan.
Jung struggled and recovered, giving him new insight as a psychiatrist. His wounds ultimately led him to do great work with others. He said, “The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected.”
“The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected.”
- Carl Jung
Today I am okay with letting my clients see my humanness. For trauma survivors the most important thing is to feel safe. If I can be human, and if I can be honest, I can express empathy in a way that is unique to me as a person, and especially as a therapist. I can practice to listen without judgement.
I hope to make clients feel safe to tell their story, to feel understood and to be heard.
And there is something magical that does happen. When I hold space for another human being, know their suffering, and help them heal, I feel joy. I see a light begin to grow in a place where it just seemed dim, and sometimes even dark. To witness people get better and experience their healing, however small, is indescribable.
So back to the question, is it about me or is it about helping others? Maybe the answer is not one or the other. Maybe it is not so black and white. After all, as therapists, we do teach our clients that things are not just black or white, but instead that there are many shades of gray. And maybe the answer is that it is both.
I'm here to dedicate my work to trauma survivors to help them learn how to heal themselves, and in turn, with each person, maybe I can heal in some small way along the way. Maybe there is room to hold those two concepts within myself. Maybe I can be allowed to gain a sense of reward for helping others despite my own trauma.
After all, I am just human.